


Do I even matter?

by TheWalkingContradiction



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Depressing, Gen, I'M CRUEL, May or may not be triggering?, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Sad Ending, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 01:29:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5397773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWalkingContradiction/pseuds/TheWalkingContradiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There wasn't any explanation for it.<br/>One day...<br/>She just...stopped.<br/>Stopped feeling.<br/>Stopped talking.<br/>Stopped fighting.<br/>Stopped wishing.<br/>Stopped hoping.<br/>Stopped caring.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Answer me?

**Author's Note:**

> So I updated again.  
> For the first time in forever.  
> Hah.

"Peridot? I wanna talk to you. Can I come in?"  
Silence.  
Steven stood by the bathroom door waiting for an answer.  
There was none.  
"Peridot, please answer me..."  
Lately Peridot has begun to isolate herself again. She'd stay in the bathroom for days on end, never coming out. When she did it was to work on the drill. She did whatever the Crystal Gems told her to, without questions or comments.  
Steven was worried.  
This was rather...strange.  
Even the Gems were worried.  
Especially Garnet.  
For some reason, Garnet would always be the one to send someone, usually Steven, to check up on Peridot.  
To make sure that she was okay.  
Sure, she was perfectly fine.  
Physically.  
Mentally?  
Emotionally?  
Steven didn't know.  
Neither did the others.  
Peridot was so good at keeping her emotions to herself that she rarely gave any signs of what she was feeling at all.  
At least, not anymore.  
Before this, she'd at least show SOME emotion.  
The key ones being anger, annoyance, and confusion.  
With the occasional sadness or excitement thrown in there.  
But now?  
Nothing.

"Peridot."  
Still nothing.  
He sighed.  
"I'm coming in."  
Steven slowly opened the door, finding that the light wasn't even turned on. It was pitch black in the bathroom. He slid his hand against the wall, fumbling for the light switch. When he turned it on, he immediately looked up.  
Steven had no idea what he would see...  
but he didn't expect this at all....


	2. I'm fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. Here it is!  
> Chapter 2.  
> Enjoy~

Peridot was curled up in the corner,  
Facing away from him.  
Knees brought up to her chest,  
with her arms wrapped around them.  
She was visibly shaking.  
Steven stared.  
He had expected that she would be sitting in the corner, as she usually would be.  
But nothing like this.  
Steven slowly walked in, silently closing the door behind him.  
He made his way over to the other gem.  
"...Hey Dot..."  
Steven said in a soft voice.  
She didn't answer.  
He placed a hand on her shoulder, only to pull it back when she flinched, and immediately tensed up at the physical contact.  
"...Are you okay?" He asked, his voice seeping with concern.  
Peridot just stared blankly at the floor.  
"Please talk to me."  
Silence. Steven looked at her. Peridot's eyes were glazed over and unfocused. He followed her gaze which led to the wall. She swallowed before speaking. Her voice soft and wavering. "I'm fine..." Tears began welling up in Steven's eyes.  
He had never seen Peridot look so vulnerable.  
She had seemed so strong-minded, as though nothing could ever break her.  
Oh how she had fooled them all.  
"I don't think that's true...What's wrong?" His question hung in the air.  
Only to be met once again, with silence.  
Cold.  
Dead.  
Silence.  
This was enough.  
"Why are you acting like this?"

He looked up, at her.  
When she didn't respond, as expected, he continued.  
"You never come out anymore. You never talk to us anymore...Not even to Amethyst. ....Not even to me...."  
Steven studied Peridot. He stopped when he saw her hand. More specifically, her fingers. They appeared to have...marks on them... Bite marks. Some cuts were just lightly scratches, Barely grazing the skin. Others were...deeper. He looked around the bathroom, For anything that might have cause that. Nothing sharp that would resemble bite marks on someone's skin. "...how'd you get those scratches...?" The way she tensed when he asked that question didn't go unnoticed. Steven's stomach twisted. He swallowed hard. "...Someone once told me that Sometimes when people are hurting emotionally, they hurt themselves physically to distract their mind from the pain....I can tell something's bothering you Peridot. I would really appreciate it if you could tell me so I can help you..." Steven looked away. His eye caught the tape recorder. It lay on the counter, by the sink. Covered in a thin layer of dust... It hadn't been touched in a while... Steven stared at it. Tears silently rolling down his cheeks.

Whatever was causing this...  
The effects of it...  
Were worse than he'd thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I'll try and get the next chapter as soon as I can!  
> possibly tomorrow?  
> Or maybe later today?  
> I have no idea.
> 
> I'd really appreciate it if you commented your thoughts on the story so far.  
> Till' next time! ;3  
> ~ P3R1D0T


	3. Okay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YOU HAVE TO READ TO FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF YOU LAZY CLOD.  
> (Jk I love all you guys)  
> ( Jk I don't.)  
> (Jk again, ;3 You're all awesome for liking this sad depressing sack of garbage that you call a story)

Steven blinked,  
another tear rolling down his cheek.

"I'm worried about you.  
We're, worried about you.  
All of us.  
You can't just act like this  
and expect us not to notice....  
What happened to the old Peridot?  
The one who smiled.  
The one who made us laugh,  
who corrected us everytime we mispronouced a word...  
the one who would come out wih me in the rain...  
the one who would constantly  
record things on the voice recorder...  
What happened to that Peridot?  
Why aren't you the same?  
Did we do something?...  
...Is it me?"

Peridot didn't answer.  
Regardless,  
she listened to him.

He didn't seem to notice how her eyes closed in the middle of his questioning.

Or the silent tears that soon followed.

Steven seemed to realize that she wouldn't respond. 

He sighed.

Bringing up a hand to wipe his eyes.  
"I'm sorry.  
I'm just...scared for you.  
All this questioning i'm doing...  
it's probably too much..." 

Steven cast a glance at the floor.

"...you can talk when you're ready...  
i'm sorry for trying to get you to answer...  
I probably made things worse huh...."

The boy stood up,  
silently walking over to the door to leave.

"I'll cya tomorrow."  
He said quietly closing the door.

Steven was about to walk up to his room when a voice greeted him from the couch. 

"Yo Steven."

He looked over to see none other than Amethyst lounging on the couch. 

"Hey Amethyst..."

She cast a glance over at the bathroom before looking back to Steven.

"...Any luck with Peridot...?"

Steven shook his head.  
"No..."

Amethyst sighed. 

This had been going on for a couple weeks now. She missed having Peridot around to mess around with.

"She's probably just being stubborn."  
The purple gem said crossing her arms.

Steven shook his head again. 

"No...i don't think she's just being stubborn...I think something's just...really bugging her. "

Amethyst listened and sighed again. 

"Is it really that bad...?"

"She was sitting the the corner, facing away from me...  
hugging her knees.  
She didn't respond to me at all. It's almost like...  
she didn't even know I was there."  
He said.

Some of his words were drawn out as he thought about their encounter.

Amethyst stared at the floor in thought.  
"It's that bad...huh?"  
She asked in a quiet voice.

Steven nodded.  
"I'm gonna try again tomorrow. I think she just...might need some time...so she can tell me when she's ready..."

"That sounds like a pretty good idea."

"Thanks...where is Garnet and Pearl?"  
He asked noticing how they weren't there.

Amethyst shrugged.  
"They're off on some mission thing or whatever. You know, that stuff."

"Oh, okay."  
Steven replied looking down at the floor again.

Amethyst took notice of this.  
"Hey. You alright?"

He nodded. "Yeah..."

"This is about Peridot isn't it?"

Steven stayed quiet.

"Hey. Don't be sad.  
Like you said.  
She'll open up an tell you when she's ready.  
Maybe she just needs some time to herself y'know?  
To...think about things...  
Get herself together.  
I know I do sometimes.  
She's a strong gem.  
We just...gotta be patient...and  
If you want,  
we can go out and get some ice cream, before Pearl gets back?"  
She asked ruffling his hair.

A smile etched it's way onto his face. "Yeah."

"Off we go then!" She said pulling Steven out the door.

Steven followed her, grinning.

Peridot would tell him.  
When she was ready.  
Everything was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY.  
> Finally finished this.  
> I had to delete the original version of this chapter and re-publish this one because the indentation thingy wasn't working so...yeah. Cx  
> Here ya go!  
> I'll try to work on the story more and get another chapter out as soon as I can.  
> However!!!  
> it's nearing the holidays, And I  
> might be going somewhere for Christmas so it might take a little longer. .-.  
> Just a heads up.  
> ANYWAY.  
> Hope you enjoyed reading this so far and Happy Holidays...Merry Christmas...and if you don't celebrate that then HAPPY WINTER...or something.  
> YOU GET THE POINT.  
> •w•/)


	4. Everything was fine.

It had been about a month or two later.  
Nothing had really changed.  
Well.  
That was a lie.  
Something had changed.  
Peridot had changed.  
At least, it seemed like she did.  
She had come out of the bathroom finally.  
She had been hanging out with Steven a lot more.  
They fell back into their old routine as if nothing had ever happened.  
She never did tell Steven why she had that little temporary breakdown.  
But as long as she was okay, he was okay.  
It was okay. 

So much had happened.  
They had finished the drill.  
They had saved the Earth.  
They had saved the cluster.  
They had saved Lapis Lazuli.  
Everything was okay.  
As soon as Lapis woke up, maybe Steven could get Peridot to apologize to her.  
Maybe they could make up.  
Maybe they could all be friends.  
Maybe everything would be fine for a while.  
Just a little more than it already was.  
Maybe.

And they went on like that.  
Pretending that everything was okay.  
That everyone was okay.  
Meanwhile Peridot wasn't.  
Meanwhile Peridot was wearing a mask.  
Putting on a fake facade of fake normality to hide the fact that she was breaking.  
But everything was fine.  
Oh yes.  
Everything was fine.  
Everything was fine as she snuck out at 3 in the morning.  
Everything was fine as she stole Steven's father's hammer.  
Everything was fine as she snuck back into the house.  
Everything was fine as she bathroom and silently closed the door.  
Everything was fine as she picked up the recorder she hadn't touched in forever.  
Everything was fine as she pushed the button and recorded her last log.  
Everything was fine as she finished and placed the recorder back in it's place, with a little note on it.  
Everything was fine as she picked up the hammer and held it firmly within her grasp.  
Everything was fine as she held the hammer up to her forehead.  
Everything was fine as it was poised with shaky hands to strike her gem.  
Everything was fine as a silent tear rolled down her cheek.  
Everything was fine as she pulled the hammer down.  
Everything was fine as she drew her last unnecessary breath.  
Everything was fine as she swung it back up at full force.  
Everything was fine as the sound of shattering glass rang out.  
Everything was fine as she disappeared.  
And everything was fine as the hammer and the shattered pieces of her gem fell to the tiled bathroom floor.  
Everything was fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Edit:  
> I'm either discontinuing this, or taking a really long time to update.  
> I think I had a plot to all this once, but I forgot it.  
> And I've kinda lost interest...  
> So i'll try to continue, just...don't expect me to do it all by the next week or anything.
> 
>  
> 
> Just an idea that's been floating around in my head for a few months now.  
> This whole story is based off of how I feel sometimes. ( I use Peridot because a lot of people say we are similar on a large scale and she's like, my favorite character :3) and is kinda just a vent for me to be honest.  
> This is also based off of a roleplay I did, so yeah. Cx  
> Sorry if these chapters are really short.  
> I just needed something to start with. I'm new to this and kinda making this up as I go along, so sorry if this really sucks.  
> But hey,  
> At least i'm trying...  
> Right?


End file.
